In the second part of the show, Jake and Dave Reid, who is a Marriage and Family Therapist at Zephyr Wellness, continue the discussion on the Attachment Theory and how we are unable to regulate our emotions as individuals, we must have people help us process our emotions.

You may never have considered the way you attach yourself to others, described by psychologists as your ‘attachment style’, but it’s probably about time you did, because it affects every aspect of our relationships, from the way we choose our partners to how our relationships work day to day, and even how they end. Knowing what your attachment style actually is, where it comes from and how it’s played out is critical to avoid slipping into cycles that repeat themselves for the rest of your life.

It’s very helpful for people to identify their attachment style, even if they’re not seeing a counsellor. It should come up in relationship education at school, because if people did start thinking about it at quite a young age, and recognised they had a bit of a problem, they could do something about it before it all starts going pear-shaped.

Early programming of your attachment style is formed by your parents. Parents dictate your behaviour patterns in romantic adult partnerships. If your parents panicked too much at the smallest thing when you were young, you will have got the message that the world was unsafe and you couldn’t cope. In adulthood, your brain is still likely to flood you with stress hormones at the slightest threat, giving you an anxious attachment style. If your parents left you to manage your own distress, you learned that you had to cope on your own. So, in adult relationships, you may switch off and detach when emotions get strong, leading you to have an avoidant attachment style where you fear intimacy. If you were lucky enough to have parents who soothed you without making you feel smothered, you’ll have a secure attachment style and be open to close relationships without feeling fearful.

In order to establish a stable relationship, you need to work on your own personal development and, if possible, find a securely attached adult to build a relationship with. If you feel that you’re having difficulties in your relationships, then the best way is to look inward and to communicate openly and honestly with your partner

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